It was almost dark outside and it was raining. I stood on the wide white window-sill of the huge window in the children's refectory with a rag and glass cleaner in my hands, watching the drops of water run down the glass. An intolerable feeling of loneliness squeezed my chest and I really wanted to cry. Nearby, children from the orphanage were rehearsing songs for the play "Cinderella", music was thundering from the speakers, and it was somehow embarrassing and indecent to burst into tears in the middle of this huge refectory, among strangers who did not care about me at all.
Everything from the very beginning was strange and unexpected. After a long journey by car from Moscow to Maloyaroslavets, I was terribly tired and hungry, but there was a time of obedience in the monastery (that is, the working day), and no one thought of anything else, as soon as immediately after reporting on my arrival, the abbess gave me a rag and send directly in what was for obedience with all the pilgrims. The backpack, with which I arrived, was taken to the pilgrimage - a small two-story house on the territory of the monastery, where the pilgrims stayed. There was a pilgrim refectory and several large rooms where the beds were close to each other. So far I was assigned there, although I was not a pilgrim, and Mother's blessing for my admission to the monastery had already been received through Father Afanasy (Serebrennikov), hieromonk of Optina Hermitage, who blessed me in this monastery.
After the end of their obediences, the pilgrims, together with their mother Cosma, a nun, who was the eldest in the pilgrim's house, began to set tea. For the pilgrims, tea was not just bread, jam and bread crumbs, as for the nuns of the monastery, but like a late supper, to which the remains of food from the day's sister's meal were brought in plastic trays and buckets. I helped Mother Cosma set the table, and we got to talking. She was a rather plump, nimble and good-natured woman of about 55 years old, I liked her immediately. As our dinner was warming up in the microwave, we talked, and I began to chew the cornflakes, which were in an open large bag near the table. Mother Cosmas, seeing this, was horrified: “What are you doing? Demons will torture! " Here it was strictly forbidden to eat anything between official meals.
After tea, M. Cosma took me upstairs, where in a large room there were about ten beds and several bedside tables. Several pilgrims had already settled there and there was a loud snoring. It was very stuffy, and I chose a place by the window so that I could open the window without disturbing anyone. I fell asleep right away, no longer paying attention to snoring and stuffiness from fatigue.
In the morning we were all woken up at 7 am. After breakfast, we were supposed to be in obedience. It was the Monday of Holy Week and everyone was preparing for Easter, washing the huge guest refectory. The daily routine for the pilgrims did not leave any free time, we communicated only in obedience, during the cleaning. The pilgrim Ekaterina from Obninsk came with me on the same day, she was an aspiring singer, sang at holidays and weddings. She came here to work for the glory of God and sing several songs at an Easter concert. It was evident that she had only recently come to faith, and was constantly in some kind of exalted and enthusiastic state. Another pilgrim was a grandmother of about 65 years old, Elena Petushkova. She was blessed to enter the monastery by her confessor. It was harder for her to work at that age than for us, but she tried very hard. She used to work in a church behind a candle box somewhere near Kaluga, and now she dreamed of becoming a nun. She was very much waiting for Matushka Nicholas to transfer her from the pilgrimage to her sisters. Even after a hard day before going to bed, Elena read something from the Holy Fathers about real monasticism, which she had dreamed of for many years.
The nursing territory began from the bell tower gates and was fenced off from the territory of the shelter and pilgrims, we were not blessed to go there. I was there only once, when I was sent to fetch half a bag of potatoes. The novice Irina in the Greek apostle was supposed to show me where she lies. I could not talk to Irina, she constantly repeated the Jesus Prayer in a half-whisper, looking at her legs and not reacting in any way to my words. We went with her to the sister territory, which began from the bell tower and descended in tiers, walked through the gardens and the garden, which was just beginning to bloom, went down the wooden ladder and entered the sister's refectory. There was no one in the refectory, the tables were still not laid, the sisters were at the church at that time. A stained-glass ornament was painted on the window panes, through which soft light penetrated inside and streamed along the frescoes on the walls. In the left corner was an icon of the Mother of God in a gilded robe, on the windowsill there was a large golden clock. We went down the steep stairs down to the cellar. These were ancient cellars, not yet renovated, with brick vaulted walls and columns, whitewashed in places. Below, vegetables were laid out in wooden compartments, and rows of jars of pickles and jam were on the shelves. It smelled like a cellar. We collected potatoes, and I carried her to the children's kitchen to the orphanage, Irina wandered into the temple, her head lowered and not ceasing to whisper a prayer.
Since the rise for us was at 7, and not at 5 in the morning, like the sisters of the monastery, we were not supposed to have any rest during the day, we could sit and rest only at the table during the meal, which lasted 20-30 minutes. The whole day the pilgrims had to be in obedience, that is, do what the sister specially assigned to them says. This sister's name was novice Haritina and she was the second person in the monastery, after M. Kosma, with whom I had a chance to communicate. Invariably polite, with very pleasant manners, with us all the time she was kind of deliberately cheerful and even cheerful, but on her pale gray face with dark circles around her eyes, one could read fatigue and even exhaustion. One could rarely see any emotion on his face other than the same half smile all the time. Kharitina gave us tasks that needed to be washed and cleaned, provided us with rags and everything needed for cleaning, made sure that we were busy all the time. Her clothes were rather strange: a faded gray-blue skirt, as old as if it had been worn for ages, an equally shabby shirt of an incomprehensible style with perforated ruffles and a gray shawl, which was probably once black. She was the eldest at the "nursery", that is, she was responsible for the guest and children's refectory, where they fed the children of the monastery shelter, guests, and also organized holidays. Kharitina was constantly doing something, running, she herself, together with the cook and the refectory, delivered food, washed dishes, served guests, helped the pilgrims. She lived right in the kitchen, in a small room, like a kennel, located behind the front door. In the same room, next to the folding sofa, where she slept at night without undressing, curled up like an animal, various valuable kitchen items were stored in boxes and all the keys were kept. Later I found out that Kharitina was a “mother”, that is, not a sister of the monastery, but rather, something like a slave who fulfills his huge unpaid debt in the monastery. There were quite a few “mothers” in the monastery, almost a third of all the sisters of the monastery. Mother Cosmas was also once a “mother”, but now the daughter has grown up, and M. Cosmas was tonsured into monasticism. “Mothers” are women with children whom their confessors blessed for monastic exploits. Therefore, they came here, to the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery, where there is an orphanage "Otrada" and an Orthodox gymnasium right inside the walls of the monastery. Children here live at full board in a separate building of the orphanage, study, in addition to basic school disciplines, music, dance, acting. Although the orphanage is considered an orphanage, almost a third of the children in it are by no means orphans, but children with "mothers". “Mothers” are of special importance for Abbess Nikolai. They work in the most difficult obediences (cowshed, kitchen, cleaning), like the rest of the sisters, they do not have an hour of rest per day, that is, they work from 7 a.m. to 11-12 a.m. without rest, their monastic prayer rule is also replaced by obedience (work ), They attend the Liturgy in the church only on Sundays. Sunday is the only day when they have 3 hours of free time during the day to communicate with the child or rest. Some have not one, but two living in the orphanage; one “mother” even had three children. At meetings, Mother often said:
You have to work for two. We are raising your child. Don't be ungrateful!
Often "moms" were punished in case of bad behavior of their daughters. This blackmail lasted until the children grew up and left the orphanage, then the monastic or monastic tonsure of “mother” became possible.
Kharitina had a daughter, Anastasia, in the shelter, very young, then she was about 1.5 - 2 years old. I don’t know her story, in the monastery the sisters are forbidden to talk about their life “in the world”, I don’t know how Haritina got to the monastery with such a small child. I don't even know her real name. From one sister I heard about unhappy love, failed family life, and Elder Vlasiy's blessing for monasticism. Most of the "mothers" got here just like that, with the blessing of the elder of the Borovsky Monastery Vlasiy (Peregontsev) or the elder of the Optina Pustyn Iliya (Nozdrina). These women were not special, many before the monastery had both housing and good jobs, some were with higher education, just in a difficult period of their lives they ended up here. All day these “mothers” worked in difficult obediences, paying with their health, while the children were raised by strangers in the barracks environment of the orphanage. On big holidays, when our Metropolitan of Kaluga and Borovsky Kliment came to the monastery, or other important guests, Kharitina's little daughter in a beautiful dress was taken to them, photographed, she sang songs and danced with two other little girls. Plump, curly, healthy, she caused universal affection.
Abbess Haritina forbade her to often communicate with her daughter, according to her, it distracts from work, and besides, other children could be envious.
Then I did not know any of this, we with other pilgrims and "mothers" from morning to evening until I fell down, scrubbed the floors, walls, doors in the large guest refectory, and then we had dinner and sleep. Never before have I worked from morning till night like this, without any rest, I thought that it was even somehow unrealistic for a person. I hoped that when I was settled with my sisters, it would not be so hard.
TO BE CONTINUED...
When you have found meaning and truth in Orthodoxy, then everything and everyone around promises (and you yourself hope) that belonging to the church community and trust in elders give guarantees. Do this and that, then you will be saved - you can read many such recipes in all pious literature. And so, he seemed to do everything right, as it is written in the book, as the priest blessed him, as if he fulfilled the will of God ... But it turned out ...
The book of Maria Kikot is an attempt to comprehend why the novice turned into a “former” and left the exemplary monastery where her spiritual father blessed her to enter. The author tells how at the age of 28 she became Orthodox and tried to follow the path of monasticism, not expecting that the holy monastery would turn out to be a totalitarian hell. The book does not contain some kind of action-packed "action" or intrigue. But the life of the convent as it is, described from the inside, without embellishment, makes a very strong impression.
The Confessions of a Former Novice was written by the author not for publication and not even so much for readers as, first of all, for himself, for therapeutic purposes. But the story instantly resonated in the Orthodox Runet and, as many have noticed, made a bomb effect. It turned out that there are a lot of "former" ones. It turned out that the lack of rights of novices and nuns, the indifference of the authorities to their mental and physical health, mental suffering and a broken life are not an exception, but rather a typical situation for modern Russia. And the author managed to tell about all this in such a way that somehow it does not work to plug his ears.
After Maria published her "Confession" in parts in LiveJournal, dozens of women and men answered her: to confirm the truth of her words, to supplement them with their stories, to thank her for her courage and determination. It turned out something like a flash mob # I'm afraid to say about a sexual assault that has recently shaken the Russian-speaking Internet community. Only in Mary's story is it about emotional violence - about the manipulation of people, which both the torturers and the victims pass off as the true patristic tradition of Orthodox monasticism.
There were, of course, also critics. Whatever Mary is accused of, I don't think she needs protection or justification. The history of this book speaks for itself - with its sincerity and simplicity, it accidentally fell into some secret place in the system, and it will be defended even against common sense. But I will nevertheless mention some reproaches to the author. Someone noticed that the title does not correspond to the content: in the "Confession" you have to write about your sins, but here one does not see reproach and repentance. This, however, is not the case. It is worth remembering that in Orthodoxy (only the present, not totalitarian) confession (or repentance) is the sacrament of actively changing oneself, one's soul through the realization of one's mistakes, a process in which God cooperates with man. I see in the book of Mary just such a change of mind - this is how the Greek word “metanoia” is translated, repentance - in relation to oneself, one's faith and one's experience. Another doubt of some readers is the veracity of the story. There is no need to comment here - for me, say, the public testimonies of several people directly connected with the monastery and mentioned in the story are quite enough for me. Rather, on the contrary - Maria kept silent about many things: somewhere because of a lack of memory, somewhere out of fear of harming people. She herself writes about this in her LJ.
The most successful Russian Orthodox Internet portal took several interviews and comments about the Confession from the current abbots and monks of the Russian Orthodox Church. Almost all of them tried to justify the monastery and the procedures described in it, and the author was accused of dishonesty and lack of humility and patience. One of the respondents, the governor of the Valaam monastery, Bishop Pankraty, who had not read the story, expressed bewilderment why the sisters had not yet left such a monastery, and advised everyone to flee from the bad monastery. If he did read the Confession, he could learn in detail about the mechanism of turning people into weak-willed and devoted slaves, which is so beautifully described by Mary both at the level of psychological dependence and at the level of material lawlessness. It is almost impossible to resist the built system when you have already got inside. And those who manage to escape and cope with the feeling of guilt that they violated the blessing of the abbess (and therefore, of course, the "will of God"), are left alone with their own desocialization and deprofessionalization that happened during the years of staying in the monastery. Therefore, many have no choice but to “repent” and return. But has Bishop Pankraty, the monk himself, who spent a lot of time in church and knows much more about monastic life than anyone else, has not heard anything about it?
Many apologetic answers directly or indirectly prove the veracity of the book. This is, for example, a letter from nine abbesses in defense of the monastery, signed by its “graduates,” the spiritual daughters of Abbess Nicholas, who have now themselves become abbess in Russian women's monasteries. In this letter - even if we ignore the style of denunciation in the best Soviet traditions - mothers report that in fact the monastery has a sauna, a cheese factory, a pharmacy, and foreign trips for the children's choir, and rich meals ... But all these the attributes of effective management for guests and sponsors do not refute in any way, but, on the contrary, confirm many of the details described by Maria. They only reinforce the impression that external beauty in the current church system is more important for some church leaders than the growth of believers in Christ.
Neither Abbess Nicholas herself, nor the higher church authorities have yet commented on the appearance of "Confession". And the answers of various other priests and mothers boil down, in fact, to the same advice about nothing that her confessor Father Athanasius gave Mary in the book: humble yourself, endure, repent. For some reason, all of them cannot or do not want to protect the soul entrusted to them in their care, which, in fact, is their first pastoral duty (and not at all defending corporate interests).
Why such a violent reaction? Obviously, Confession has touched some key knot of contemporary Russian Orthodoxy. The main thread in this knot, which Mary unwittingly pulled, is obedience to the boss, which is made the highest and in fact the only virtue. Mary shows how “obedience”, “humility” and “blessing” become instruments of manipulation and creation of a concentration camp for body and soul. The topic of manipulation in the modern Russian Orthodox Church was recently raised in a public lecture by psychotherapist Natalia Skuratovskaya, which, by the way, also provoked outrage among some believers (though the question is: believers in what?). The meaning of their indignation boiled down to something like this: manipulation in the Holy Church? How could you dare to say that ?!
Meanwhile, Maria in her book tells exactly how the elder, abbess, confessor abuse their power over people who trusted them. And the means of manipulation here is a person's sincere striving for truth and the search for God. This is scary. Here the words of the Gospel are recalled that there are sins that will not be forgiven either in this age or in the future. The question that arises in a normal person is: how did it happen that we went so far in search of Orthodox life that the abbess's apologists blame Mary for not loving enough of this and that is why it is her own fault that she turned from the path of salvation? Where and when did the substitution of corporation and subculture of truth take place and is taking place?
Another thread is monasticism. It seems like it is believed that in the world everything is mundane and, accordingly, the requirements for the purity of life and ministry are lower, while monks have an increased concentration of holiness, or at least the struggle with sin. If in an ordinary parish in the world the devil is happening that - a priest, for example, selfish, and no one has a spiritual life - then this, in general, is understandable. After all, we are all sinners and live among the temptations and temptations of the world. But when it turns out that the nuns of the angelic image, the brides of Christ, who specially gathered in order to be saved and spiritually grow, in a special place where they are protected from worldly passions and where all the conditions should be for asceticism - if not only vice flourishes among them , but it is also acquiring even more ugly forms than in the world ... Once again, it's time to think about what is happening with the ROC. This book at least debunks the myth of some special sanctity of monastic life. Nuns are ordinary people, and as they came to the monastery as ordinary, they remain ordinary, but do not become saints. And what is much more important, the illusion of the unconditional salvation of staying in a monastery crumbles. If something went wrong in the monastery, then no matter how the elders bless you for the feat, no matter how you humble yourself and endure, most likely you will harm your soul, and there is every chance that it is irreparable. Therefore, thanks to Mary for the warning book: now there is hope that those who read it will no longer blindly trust their spiritual leaders, they will not give up under their pressure from themselves, from their soul, from their own relationship with God, from their calling. (monastic or otherwise). And for those who have already left the monastery "Confession" will be a support on the way to rehabilitation. Because behind this text there is a huge inner work with oneself, with one's own consciousness, poisoned in a destructive environment. This is a difficult period of returning to life, to professional activity, to loved ones. Thanks to Maria and for this work done for myself, but in the end for the sake of readers and all of us. If it were not for him, such a book could not have been written and could not have been written in such a way - so that through the positive experience of overcoming something good in the readers is created.
Feb 16, 2017Confessions of a former novice Maria Kikot
(estimates: 1
, the average: 5,00
out of 5)
Title: Confessions of a former novice
About the book "Confessions of a former novice" Maria Kikot
"The Confessions of a Former Novice" made a lot of noise in the Orthodox community. Its effect was like a bomb exploding. After Maria Kikot published part of her book in LiveJournal, there was a great resonance: many men and women responded to her story. Some readers shared their stories in response, supplementing and confirming the words of Mary, others accused her of lying.
Initially, the author did not plan to make public events from her life. However, the decision was made. And the book "Confessions of a Former Novice" became an attempt to rethink why it so happened that an exemplary novice became a "former" and left the exemplary monastery.
Maria Kikot at the age of 28, being already a rather mature person, having established herself as a professional, decided to become Orthodox. Moreover, she stepped on the path of monasticism.
Her spiritual father blessed her to go to the famous monastery in Optina Pustyn. However, the young woman had no idea that she would be greeted by a real totalitarian hell in the holy monastery. The author describes life inside a convent. Before us she appears as Mary saw her for five years. Her confession is not an action-packed "action", there is no plot and intrigue in it. However, it leaves a very deep impression.
The Confessions of a Former Novice will not be easy to read if you have a romantic and elevated attitude towards Orthodox monasteries. However, many responses to the story of Maria Kikot confirm that everything she wrote is true. She talks about the complete lack of rights among novices and nuns, about the fact that the authorities are absolutely indifferent to their mental and physical health. As a result, many women suffer, their lives are broken. The author shares his life drama so piercingly that it is impossible to close our eyes to it.
Maria Kikot writes about how people are manipulated, and emotional violence is disguised as a real Orthodox patristic tradition of monasticism. From her story, it becomes clear how "obedience", "humility" and "blessing" turn into methods of manipulation, and the nuns and novices end up in a concentration camp for body and soul.
Reading the book "Confessions of a Former Novice" is interesting and very fast. She elicits a strong emotional response. After all, the elders, abbess, confessors abuse the sincere desire of a person to know the truth and draw closer to God.
On our site about books, you can download the site for free without registration or read the online book "Confessions of a Former Novice" Maria Kikot in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. You can buy the full version from our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from the literary world, find out the biography of your favorite authors. For novice writers, there is a separate section with useful tips and tricks, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary skills.
Quotes from the book "Confessions of a Former Novice" Maria Kikot
The more time a person lives in a monastery, the more difficult it is for him to leave, since the person's very personality is immersed in this environment: with certain emotions, beliefs, worldview, relationships. Life "in the world", if it was, is gradually forgotten, becomes something unreal.
Everyone was watching each other. If you don't write, they will write to you. Nothing in this huge monastery could hide from the abbess. The number of denunciations measured the loyalty of my sister to Mother. Particularly zealous informers were given by Matushka with ranks - they became elders in obediences, assistants to the dean, mother's cell attendants, elders in sketes, and then abbess of the monasteries sponsored by Mother throughout Russia.
It was very scary to make Mother angry. It was better to silently endure the torrent of insults, and then ask everyone for forgiveness with an earthly bow. Especially in the classroom, "moms" usually got it for their negligence, laziness and ingratitude. This is often used in sects. All against one, then all against the other.
Ever since kindergarten, yelling became the most disgusting thing in the world for me. And there was also some subconscious fear that one had only once tried to annoy someone or take revenge with the help of denunciation, and then it would be impossible to return back to the previous state: there was in all this a feeling of some kind of irrevocable fall, akin to prostitution.
A week after my arrival, they took my passport, money and mobile phone somewhere in a safe. This is a strange tradition, but it is done in all our monasteries.
... conversations at the meal were forbidden, everyone looked at their own plates and ate quickly to catch the bell.
... the real life of the monastery is not at all the same as it is described in the books.
They are always afraid of those who yearn to rule over souls. What do they do with the bodies?
For her, order was important, the charter of her monastery, and people just need to be fitted to this mechanism and forced to do everything right. Adapted - good, no - you can leave. She often repeated a phrase that had been pulled out of a book by some Athonite fathers: "Execute or step away." She really liked her.
Victor Hugo, Dostoevsky, Ostrovsky, Pushkin and some kind of fantasy. Mother did not bless the monastic sisters and novices to read any fiction, only the lives of the saints and the instructions of the fathers, so the books had to be hidden from the sisters. If someone caught me with such a book, Masha and I would get really bad.
Free download of the book "Confessions of a former novice" Maria Kikot
(Fragment)
In the format fb2 : Download
In the format rtf: Download
In the format epub : Download
In the format txt:
Confession of a former novice
Chapter 1
It was almost dark outside and it was raining. I stood on the wide white window-sill of the huge window in the children's refectory with a rag and glass cleaner in my hands, watching the drops of water run down the glass. An intolerable feeling of loneliness squeezed my chest and I really wanted to cry. Nearby, children from the orphanage were rehearsing songs for the play "Cinderella", music was thundering from the speakers, and it was somehow embarrassing and indecent to burst into tears in the middle of this huge refectory, among strangers who did not care about me at all.
Everything from the very beginning was strange and unexpected. After a long journey by car from Moscow to Maloyaroslavets, I was terribly tired and hungry, but there was a time of obedience in the monastery (that is, the working day), and no one thought of anything else, as soon as immediately after reporting on my arrival, the abbess gave me a rag and send directly in what was for obedience with all the pilgrims. The backpack, with which I arrived, was taken to the pilgrimage - a small two-story house on the territory of the monastery, where the pilgrims stayed. There was a pilgrim refectory and several large rooms where the beds were close to each other. So far I was assigned there, although I was not a pilgrim, and Mother's blessing for my admission to the monastery had already been received through Father Afanasy (Serebrennikov), hieromonk of Optina Hermitage, who blessed me in this monastery.
After the end of their obediences, the pilgrims, together with their mother Cosma, a nun, who was the eldest in the pilgrim's house, began to set tea. For the pilgrims, tea was not just bread, jam and bread crumbs, as for the nuns of the monastery, but like a late supper, to which the remains of food from the day's sister's meal were brought in plastic trays and buckets. I helped Mother Cosma set the table, and we got to talking. She was a rather plump, nimble and good-natured woman of about 55 years old, I liked her immediately. As our dinner was warming up in the microwave, we talked, and I began to chew the cornflakes, which were in an open large bag near the table. Mother Cosmas, seeing this, was horrified: “What are you doing? Demons will torture! " Here it was strictly forbidden to eat anything between official meals.
After tea, M. Cosma took me upstairs, where in a large room there were about ten beds and several bedside tables. Several pilgrims had already settled there and there was a loud snoring. It was very stuffy, and I chose a place by the window so that I could open the window without disturbing anyone. I fell asleep right away, no longer paying attention to snoring and stuffiness from fatigue.
In the morning we were all woken up at 7 am. After breakfast, we were supposed to be in obedience. It was the Monday of Holy Week and everyone was preparing for Easter, washing the huge guest refectory. The daily routine for the pilgrims did not leave any free time, we communicated only in obedience, during the cleaning. The pilgrim Ekaterina from Obninsk came with me on the same day, she was an aspiring singer, sang at holidays and weddings. She came here to work for the glory of God and sing several songs at an Easter concert. It was evident that she had only recently come to faith, and was constantly in some kind of exalted and enthusiastic state. Another pilgrim was a grandmother of about 65 years old, Elena Petushkova. She was blessed to enter the monastery by her confessor. It was harder for her to work at that age than for us, but she tried very hard. She used to work in a church behind a candle box somewhere near Kaluga, and now she dreamed of becoming a nun. She was very much waiting for Matushka Nicholas to transfer her from the pilgrimage to her sisters. Even after a hard day before going to bed, Elena read something from the Holy Fathers about real monasticism, which she had dreamed of for many years.
The nursing territory began from the bell tower gates and was fenced off from the territory of the shelter and pilgrims, we were not blessed to go there. I was there only once, when I was sent to fetch half a bag of potatoes. The novice Irina in the Greek apostle was supposed to show me where she lies. I could not talk to Irina, she constantly repeated the Jesus Prayer in a half-whisper, looking at her legs and not reacting in any way to my words. We went with her to the sister territory, which began from the bell tower and descended in tiers, walked through the gardens and the garden, which was just beginning to bloom, went down the wooden ladder and entered the sister's refectory. There was no one in the refectory, the tables were still not laid, the sisters were at the church at that time. A stained-glass ornament was painted on the window panes, through which soft light penetrated inside and streamed along the frescoes on the walls. In the left corner was an icon of the Mother of God in a gilded robe, on the windowsill there was a large golden clock. We went down the steep stairs down to the cellar. These were ancient cellars, not yet renovated, with brick vaulted walls and columns, whitewashed in places. Below, vegetables were laid out in wooden compartments, and rows of jars of pickles and jam were on the shelves. It smelled like a cellar. We collected potatoes, and I carried her to the children's kitchen to the orphanage, Irina wandered into the temple, her head lowered and not ceasing to whisper a prayer.
Since the rise for us was at 7, and not at 5 in the morning, like the sisters of the monastery, we were not supposed to have any rest during the day, we could sit and rest only at the table during the meal, which lasted 20-30 minutes. The whole day the pilgrims had to be in obedience, that is, do what the sister specially assigned to them says. This sister's name was novice Haritina and she was the second person in the monastery, after M. Kosma, with whom I had a chance to communicate. Invariably polite, with very pleasant manners, with us all the time she was kind of deliberately cheerful and even cheerful, but on her pale gray face with dark circles around her eyes, one could read fatigue and even exhaustion. One could rarely see any emotion on his face other than the same half smile all the time. Kharitina gave us tasks that needed to be washed and cleaned, provided us with rags and everything needed for cleaning, made sure that we were busy all the time. Her clothes were rather strange: a faded gray-blue skirt, as old as if it had been worn for ages, an equally shabby shirt of an incomprehensible style with perforated ruffles and a gray shawl, which was probably once black. She was the eldest at the "nursery", that is, she was responsible for the guest and children's refectory, where they fed the children of the monastery shelter, guests, and also organized holidays. Kharitina was constantly doing something, running, she herself, together with the cook and the refectory, delivered food, washed dishes, served guests, helped the pilgrims. She lived right in the kitchen, in a small room, like a kennel, located behind the front door. In the same room, next to the folding sofa, where she slept at night without undressing, curled up like an animal, various valuable kitchen items were stored in boxes and all the keys were kept. Later I found out that Kharitina was a “mother”, that is, not a sister of the monastery, but rather, something like a slave who fulfills his huge unpaid debt in the monastery. There were quite a few “mothers” in the monastery, almost a third of all the sisters of the monastery. Mother Cosmas was also once a “mother”, but now the daughter has grown up, and M. Cosmas was tonsured into monasticism. “Mothers” are women with children whom their confessors blessed for monastic exploits. Therefore, they came here, to the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery, where there is an orphanage "Otrada" and an Orthodox gymnasium right inside the walls of the monastery. Children here live at full board in a separate building of the orphanage, study, in addition to basic school disciplines, music, dance, acting. Although the orphanage is considered an orphanage, almost a third of the children in it are by no means orphans, but children with "mothers". “Mothers” are of special importance for Abbess Nikolai. They work in the most difficult obediences (cowshed, kitchen, cleaning), like the rest of the sisters, they do not have an hour of rest per day, that is, they work from 7 a.m. to 11-12 a.m. without rest, their monastic prayer rule is also replaced by obedience (work ), They attend the Liturgy in the church only on Sundays. Sunday is the only day when they have 3 hours of free time during the day to communicate with the child or rest. Some have not one, but two living in the orphanage; one “mother” even had three children. At meetings, Mother often said:
You have to work for two. We are raising your child. Don't be ungrateful!
Often "moms" were punished in case of bad behavior of their daughters. This blackmail lasted until the children grew up and left the orphanage, then the monastic or monastic tonsure of “mother” became possible.
Kharitina had a daughter, Anastasia, in the shelter, very young, then she was about 1.5 - 2 years old. I don’t know her story, in the monastery the sisters are forbidden to talk about their life “in the world”, I don’t know how Haritina got to the monastery with such a small child. I don't even know her real name. From one sister I heard about unhappy love, failed family life, and Elder Vlasiy's blessing for monasticism. Most of the "mothers" got here just like that, with the blessing of the elder of the Borovsky Monastery Vlasiy (Peregontsev) or the elder of the Optina Pustyn Iliya (Nozdrina). These women were not special, many before the monastery had both housing and good jobs, some were with higher education, just in a difficult period of their lives they ended up here. All day these “mothers” worked in difficult obediences, paying with their health, while the children were raised by strangers in the barracks environment of the orphanage. On big holidays, when our Metropolitan of Kaluga and Borovsky Kliment came to the monastery, or other important guests, Kharitina's little daughter in a beautiful dress was taken to them, photographed, she sang songs and danced with two other little girls. Plump, curly, healthy, she caused universal affection.
The Confessions of a Former Novice was written by Maria Kikot not for publication and not even so much for readers as, first of all, for herself, with therapeutic goals. But the story instantly resonated in the Orthodox Runet and, as many have noticed, made a bomb effect.
The story of a girl who lived for several years in one of the famous Russian women's monasteries and her confession made a revolution in the minds of many people. The book is written in the first person and is devoted, perhaps, to the most closed topic - life in a modern monastery. It contains many interesting observations, discussions about monasticism and the similarity of church structures with a sect. But our attention was drawn to the chapter devoted to those who went to the monastery ... and took their children with them.
Maria Kikot in her book "Confessions of a Former Novice" describes life in the monastery without embellishment, leaving it to the reader to draw conclusions independently
“Since the rise for us was at 7, and not at 5 in the morning, like the sisters of the monastery, we were not supposed to rest during the day, we could sit and rest only at the table during the meal, which lasted 20-30 minutes.
The whole day the pilgrims had to be in obedience, that is, do what the specially assigned sister said. This sister's name was novice Haritina, and she was the second person in the monastery - after Mother Kosma - with whom I had a chance to communicate. Invariably polite, with very pleasant manners, with us all the time she was kind of deliberately cheerful and even cheerful, but on her pale gray face with dark circles around her eyes, one could read fatigue and even exhaustion. There was seldom any emotion on her face other than the same half smile all the time.
Mothers of children who grow up in the monastery shelter are in a special position. They only rest three hours a week, Sunday
Kharitina gave us tasks to wash and clean, provided us with rags and everything necessary for cleaning, made sure that we were busy all the time. Her clothes were rather strange: a faded gray-blue skirt, as old as if it had been worn for ages, an equally shabby shirt of an incomprehensible style with perforated ruffles and a gray shawl, which was probably once black. She was the eldest at the "nursery", that is, she was responsible for the guest and children's refectory, where they fed the children of the monastery shelter, guests, and also organized holidays. Kharitina was constantly doing something, running, she herself, along with the cook and the refectory, delivered food, washed dishes, served guests, helped the pilgrims.
Children in the orphanage "Otrada" live at full board, study, in addition to basic school disciplines, music, dance, acting
She lived right in the kitchen, in a small room, like a kennel, located behind the front door. In the same room, next to the folding sofa, where she slept at night without undressing, curled up like an animal, various valuable kitchen items were stored in boxes and all the keys were kept.
Later I found out that Kharitina was a “mother”, that is, not a sister of the monastery, but rather something like a slave who fulfills his huge unpaid debt in the monastery. There were quite a few “mothers” in the monastery, about half of all the sisters of the monastery.
“Mothers” are women with children whom their confessors blessed for monastic exploits. Therefore, they came here, to the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery, where there is an orphanage "Otrada" and an Orthodox gymnasium right within the walls of the monastery. Children here live at full board in a separate building of the orphanage, study, in addition to basic school disciplines, music, dance, acting. Although the orphanage is considered an orphanage, almost a third of the children in it are by no means orphans, but children with “mothers”.
“Mothers” are of special importance for Abbess Nikolai. They work in the most difficult obediences (cowshed, kitchen, cleaning) and, like the rest of the sisters, do not have hours of rest per day, that is, they work from 7 am to 11–12 at night without rest, their monastic prayer rule is also replaced by obedience ( work). They attend the liturgy in the church only on Sundays. Sunday is the only day when they have 3 hours of free time during the day to communicate with the child or rest. Some have not one, but two living in the orphanage; one “mother” even had three children. At meetings, Mother often said: “You have to work for two. We are raising your child. Don't be ungrateful! "
Haritina had a daughter, Anastasia, in the shelter, very young, then she was about one and a half to two years old. I don’t know her story, in the monastery the sisters are forbidden to talk about their life “in the world”, I don’t know how Haritina got to the monastery with such a small child. I don't even know her real name. From one sister I heard about unhappy love, failed family life, and Elder Vlasiy's blessing for monasticism.
“Moms” get the hardest work and are constantly reminded that they have to work for two - for themselves and the child
Most of the "mothers" came here just like that, with the blessing of the elder of the Borovsky Monastery, Vlasiy, or the elder of Optina Monastery, Elijah (Nozdrin). These women were not special, many before the monastery had both housing and good jobs, some were with higher education, just in a difficult period of their lives they ended up here. All day these “mothers” worked in difficult obediences, paying with their health, while the children were raised by strangers in the barracks environment of the orphanage.
Shelter "Joy" at the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery. At least a third of the children in it are not orphans at all
On big holidays, when our Metropolitan of Kaluga and Borovsky Kliment (Kapalin) came to the monastery, or other important guests, Kharitina's little daughter in a beautiful dress was brought to them, photographed, she sang songs and danced with two other little girls. Plump, curly, healthy, she caused universal emotion.
Often "moms" were punished in case of bad behavior of their daughters. This blackmail lasted until the children grew up and left the orphanage, then it became possible to take monastic or monastic tonsure of “mother”.
Abbess Haritina often forbade her to communicate with her daughter: according to her, this distracted her from work, and besides, other children could be envious.
The stories of all these "moms" always made me indignant. Rarely were there some dysfunctional mothers from whom it was necessary to take their children to an orphanage.
Alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people are not accepted into monasteries. As a rule, these were ordinary women with housing and work, many with higher education, who did not have a family life with "dads" and on this basis the roof went towards religion.
But after all, confessors and elders exist precisely in order to direct people on the right path, simply to “set people's brains”. But it turns out the opposite: a woman who has children, imagining herself to be a future nun and ascetic, goes to such a confessor, and instead of explaining to her that her feat is precisely in raising children, he blesses her to the monastery. Or, even worse, insists on such a blessing, explaining that it is difficult to be saved in the world.
Then they say that this woman voluntarily chose this path. What does “voluntarily” mean? We are not saying that people who fell into sects voluntarily got there? Here this voluntariness is very conditional. You can praise the orphanages at monasteries as much as you like, but in fact these are the same orphanages, like barracks or prisons with little prisoners who see nothing but four walls.
How can a child who has a mother be sent there? Orphans from ordinary orphanages can be adopted, taken into a foster family or under guardianship, especially small ones, they are in the databases for adoption. Children from monastic orphanages are deprived of this hope - they are not in any base. How can you bless women with children in monasteries? Why is there no legislation that would forbid would-be confessors and elders to do this, and abbess, like Nicholas's mother, to exploit them with pleasure? Several years ago, some kind of rule was issued prohibiting monasticism or monasticism for novices whose children have not reached the age of 18. But that didn't change anything. "
