No family is immune from adultery © Shutterstock
Unfaithful men respect and value their marriage. According to M. Hunt, most men who decide to commit adultery consider their family life to be quite prosperous. And they are not at all inclined to destroy the family because of such a trifle as their own adultery.
For women, everything is completely different (who would doubt, right?). Most women will commit adultery if they consider their marriage to be unhappy.
For men, adultery is a vibrant sexual adventure. Men crave a purely sensual adventure: they are attracted by another body, in most cases a younger one. For men, adultery is doping to make their blood boil.
Most women look for feeling and friendship in adultery:usually women become emotionally attached to a man, and only then think about physical intimacy. According to a survey conducted by M. Hunt, 81% of women who have lovers put the friendship and trust of a lover in the first place, while sex is given an honorable second place. Note: there are still 19% of women in the world for whom sex is in the first place.
For married men, adultery is usually fleeting.Numerous, but fleeting. Other women attract men only as sexual partners. They prefer to carry all their mental anguish over career ups, downs and other secrets of their subtle souls to their wives.
A woman takes a long time to go to her first adultery.She cannot change only with her body and therefore cannot understand the behavior of a man. It is difficult for a woman to understand how a man can not remember the name of a woman with whom he slept a couple of months ago after a corporate party.
The man, you see, remembers the brand of wine he drank! Whether his friend was at a corporate party - he also remembers! But what was the name of the girl whom he helped to put on the coat, and who then woke up on his shoulder - he does not remember! Unlike the cute nuances of sex like her consent to anal sex.
The woman, on the other hand, remembers the name of her lover many years after this man passed away from her life.
Findings? Still, try to accept that the psychology of a man is very different from that of a woman. And, probably, learn to live in the present: if your man is right now, at this moment, next to you and you are happy about it, maybe you shouldn't arrange interrogations with prejudice and try to find out the name of a girl whom the man sincerely does not remember? AND?
I was more and more silent and read ... But, now, under the impression of several topics about female infidelity, I decided to write.
Not. I am not going to justify and make excuses. I believe that both male and female betrayal has no excuses.
Simply, there is one women's site that has a closed section. And when all the barriers to frankness break down without male glances and under fictitious names, a lot of interesting information can be obtained.
Here, and one such topic about female infidelity. There are a lot of people here. Maybe someone recognizes his wife in the author, or maybe someone finds out what his mistress says about him.
Throw in the tomatoes, I myself understand everything perfectly. There is my family - a loving husband, three children (not quite kids already, everyone understands), complete financial well-being and well-being. I work from home, I don't have to be bored, in general, I spin all day.
A year ago I fell in love. To unconsciousness, to loss of pulse. He looked at me from the car window, smiled and my roof was blown off. I threw it off on hormones, of course. But it didn't get any easier, I became obsessed with this man. And he, by the way, has two children and almost 15 years of marriage behind him.
In general, for a long time it could not hang in the stage of dreams, and sooner or later it happened what happened. Sex, that is. Terrible sex, by the way - in bed it is objectively bad. I was waiting for this in order to "be disappointed and calm down", but it was not. Together with sex, full-fledged relationships entered our life.
I've had lovers before, I'm not an angel. I know how to behave, I know what can and cannot be done.
And of course, I cannot demand that he leave his wife. Leaving two of your children to raise three strangers? Absurd! I don't even stutter. I have no right to do so.
But the children are familiar, the children are friends. My children know him, his children know me. The eldest there is 12 years old, this one, in general, understands everything and is objectively dissatisfied
I've tried to leave, many times. But it seems there is nothing that I could not forgive him. I am missing even for 2 days, and I am returning myself. If not, he returns, and that's what I need. As if a love spell was imposed, girls.
I am not afraid of what my husband will find out, what his wife will find out - I don't care !!! And this is a complete PPC. In my dreams, we live in a big friendly family, we bring up all 5 children and everyone is happy from this and that.
Now about my husband. My husband is a specific person. He is married to his job, to the point of absurdity - requests for help with children cause aggression. He loves me with his strange love of a person who does not love people)) we have no friends, he does not agree with anyone - he simply does not want to. Well, in general, nothing fatal, an ordinary calm family, but with some "buts". I really respect him, I appreciate everything he does. But, alas, no more. His father, by the way, is exactly the same, family, apparently ..
He has no problems (according to him), all the problems I have from the fact that I got drunk. We have been together for almost 10 years, a hundred thousand conversations have already been spoken, but if a person does not see a problem, this is an empty phrase.
A week ago I needed on business, I cooked dinner, showed it to my husband on the stove and left - it was 6 pm. At 10 pm I came to the hungry children and the angry husband. "Where is you, why should we sit hungry?" Seriously, he knew there was food - but he was waiting for me to put it in the plates)) there was a scandal on his part.
We do not celebrate birthdays (including children) - he considers it superfluous. There are a thousand such examples, and at such moments I very clearly understand where my lover came from, honestly
Now about why I am not getting divorced. He is the father of my children, the children love him. We have an established way of life and plans for the future. To deprive children of a full-fledged family without having a rear behind is not the best solution in my opinion.
We have regular normal sex as needed, 2-3 times a week. In general, my husband is not bad in bed, and he wants me the same way as 10 years ago.
Getting along with such a husband is, yes, very difficult. But sometimes it seems to me that I already live separately. Family walks, family dinners, some common affairs .. But I live separately anyway, in my own World. And therefore, I am not unhappy and do not suffer much. There are no scandals with children, we wait until they lie down or go up the stairs to smoke and discuss.
Here, there was a case. We had a cake here on September 1, I bought it in a store, but it turned out to be spoiled. With what scandal my husband sent me to hand over this cake to them late in the evening, motivating it by the fact that "I was completely fed up, I decided to throw 400 rubles in the trash. Always, you buy some rubbish and throw out the money." I sobbed over this cake, and thought: "leave you already, please, I will stay with my cake and children, just don't touch me." And my husband's salary is in the region of 300 thousand. And the cake cost 400 rubles. And I dragged him through the dark, cut into this supermarket to sort it out. Very revealing. I don’t know why, but this incident killed me very much, albeit a trifle.
Comments: 18
He caught himself thinking that anger and hatred towards his ex-wife, who had betrayed him, is an absolutely senseless and useless occupation: how can you hate the night, thunderstorms, hurricane, tsunami. They must be accepted as an objective reality and a given, as a fact that is not subject to any refutation. A person can only insure himself against the approaching elements: it is reprehensible to take an umbrella from the rain or, if the weather is really bad, to sit out in a safe and comfortable shelter. Can he, in all honesty, honestly admit to himself that he did everything to save his marriage? Of course not. The fact that he did not know his wife, did not know what she was thinking, how she felt in a relationship with him, what she lacked for complete happiness; was not aware of her plans for the future, which for a long time she had not associated with him - this is his and only his fault, the fault of her husband. You need to constantly communicate with your wife, spend all the time, if possible, together - he seemed to know and understand all this well, but for some reason he didn’t do it: “Why: everything is fine, otherwise it cannot be, of course with us everything is fine in the family. " Is it not true, a fairly common misconception among men - the wife will not go anywhere, why do you need this extra lisp. And now, now, he received the well-deserved punishment of fate: it turns out that his wife was always selfish, and her attitude to marriage was not as sacred as his husband's, but as to "relationships that come and go ..." shocked, in confusion: how can it be, this cannot be, this is some kind of misunderstanding, my wife could not be like that. No, as we can see, she was always like this: she simply suppressed in herself her desire for freedom, for a new bright life, fearing her husband and feeling sorry for the little children who, in the event of a divorce, could be left without parents. And now, when the children have grown up, the perfect time to announce to her husband about the "end of the relationship" with him, and finally start looking for the dream of his whole life about a beautiful and happy life, true female happiness, and never came true in the past marriage. The only problem is in her ex-husband: he was so blind in marriage that he still cannot believe what happened. The ideal image of his wife, which he constructed in his head in marriage, cannot come to terms with the "terrible", shocking truth - his wife was not at all the person he imagined her to be. Unlike the careless, frivolous husband, who did not understand who he was marrying, the wife knew very well what kind of man he was. She, you see, wanted to change him in marriage. All attempts were in vain, therefore - a divorce. That is, in addition to the fact that the wife was a narcissistic, eccentric woman, she was still, to put it mildly, not reasonably enough: after all, how can a husband "change" if, instead of showing his best masculine qualities - independence, responsibility, decisiveness, initiative - he admired these qualities of his strong wife. He even loved her for these purely masculine qualities: he considered them a manifestation of her disinterested and sacrificial love for him. For this, his wife no longer respected him more and more, considered him an infantile man, unable to solve the material and everyday issues of the family. At a time when the husband naively believed that the wife "does everything herself" for his devotion and faithfulness, for selfless love for her. In other words, the husband and wife have trite changed roles in the family: the wife became the husband, and the husband became the wife. This always happens in marriages in which a woman is stronger in character than a man, and when a man himself contributes to this, withdrawing himself from solving economic issues, shifting them onto the shoulders of his wife. The husband may not even be weaker than his wife, but the role of the wife as a mother suits him quite well. Treating his wife as a mother, the husband begins to love her with filial love, forgetting about his male duties. So maybe, having finally figured out yourself and your mistakes in marriage, you should stop tormenting and tormenting yourself with anger and hatred for your ex-wife. To admit that you yourself are to blame for the incident (divorce) - the man. Firstly, he married the wrong person, secondly, he didn’t understand what “a woman wants,” and thirdly, he forgot in marriage that you are a man and that you yourself should be the owner of the house, not a wife. An unfaithful wife in marriage is like a natural disaster: no matter how angry you are with him, you still can't stop. The only salvation is another love, but with all the lessons and conclusions from the previous marriage.
“A woman was created for a man, not a man for a woman” - such a postulate was implanted by the Russian Orthodox Church. This gave rise to distrust of both sexes to each other, so marriages were concluded not for love, but at the will of their parents. In such families, the spouses treated each other with hostility, did not value each other - therefore, treason often accompanied such relationships, despite the censure of society.
Ancient Russia
The earliest document that mentions marital infidelity is the Charter of Prince Yaroslav the Wise. It says that a man was considered an adulterer if he had not only a mistress, but also children from her. For treason to his wife, a man had to pay a fine to the church, and the amount of the fine was determined by the prince. There is a record in the annals that Mstislav Vladimirovich (the son of Vladimir Monomakh) “didn’t be stingy with his wives, and she (the princess), knowing that, was not in the least offended ... Now,” he continued (according to the chronicle), “the princess is like a young man , wants to have fun, and can, at the same time, do something obscene, I am already uncomfortable to guard against, but it is enough when no one knows about it, and does not speak. "Any relationship between a woman and a stranger was considered a betrayal of a woman. Her husband needed to punish his wife's frivolity. If he forgave the traitor and continued to live with her, then he was entitled to punishment. To avoid punishment, a man had to divorce his unfaithful wife, and not delay this moment: "Is the wife still from her husband with another, the husband is to blame for letting her in ..."
XVII and XVIII century
In the 17th and 18th centuries, adultery was a pretext for divorce. In pre-Petrine times, a husband could get off with a year of penance and a fine, a woman always suffered a heavier punishment than a man. If a woman was convicted of treason, then after the divorce she had to enter the spinning yard, and she was forbidden to remarry. To prove his wife's betrayal, the husband had to bring witnesses. This is reflected in the proverb of Vladimir Dahl: "not caught - not a thief, not raised - not bl-s".The nobles were tolerant of treason. The peasants were much more harsh about treason and condemned it. However, punishment did not become an obstacle to adultery. This is reflected in the sayings: "How the girl falls in love with the matchmaker - it is not to blame for anyone", "It was not her mother who told her to - she wanted to" and especially: "Someone else's husband is sweet - but not a century to live with him, but his hate - to drag with him."
There were many cases when the husband “did not seek a divorce” from the traitor. Often the spouse agreed to punish his wife with whips, whips, or correctional labor. A wife who was caught cheating was forbidden to bear her husband's surname. Penance for wives was long-term (up to 15 years), or she was sent to a monastery.
The appeal of husbands with the demand to separate him from the "unfaithful" was always satisfied. This led to the fact that if a man “did not need a wife,” then it was a convenient excuse to get a divorce and start a new family. However, there were many cases when divorced at the request of his wife. If a husband was “caught” in adultery, then his punishment consisted in a shameful conversation with the “spiritual father”.
XIX - early XX century
In the 19th century, as in previous centuries, a wife's infidelity was treated more severely than her husband's infidelity. The man was entitled to moral punishment. There was a nuance: in society, a divorced man was tacitly placed restrictions on promotion, they could not be given the desired position. This situation is described by Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina. Among the common people, "shameful punishments" were used. The women treated the betrayal strictly "Such women sin doubly - they violate purity, and corrupt the law ... growing up, non-people."Men used the "betrayal" of their wife as an excuse to divorce her, so there are hundreds of petitions of this kind in the archives. In this case, the volost courts imposed a formal punishment on the "traitor" woman - arrest, community service. The husband could independently punish his wife - to expel her from the house, taking her dowry. Wives could not divorce their husbands. The men did not give their consent to divorce, "and without the consent of her husband they will not give her a passport." But the woman could take revenge on the homeless woman for the humiliation she suffered - in the Yaroslavl province, for example, the wives could break the windows, smear the house with soot and the gate with tar.
In the Yaroslavl province and in the Volga region, a husband could beat his traitorous wife, and in the Volga region it was considered correct to beat her "in public." In the Russian North, in the Tver and Kostroma provinces, they preferred “not to wash dirty linen in public,” and there old men acted as judges of unfaithful wives and husbands. A common form of female punishment was "harnessing" her to a cart. Her husband forced her to take him, and he himself beat her with a whip.
In the 20th century, the punishments for treason were transformed. Divorce became difficult, and the Soviet government pursued a policy of "strengthening the family." The private life of a person has ceased to be private, personal relationships and intimate connections have become part of party and Komsomol meetings. Throughout the existence of the USSR, the tradition of discussing family crises at meetings was preserved, the state policy of the "strong Soviet family" was actively implanted in the minds of citizens.Cheating on your own husband is the most common reason why our conscientious women turn to psychologists. In one case, betrayal is a one-time misunderstanding, in the other - a love triangle (there are many options for the development of events), but regardless of the situation, the question arises before a woman - what to do next?
Should you fall at your spouse's feet and beg forgiveness, or, in the name of the family, pretend that nothing happened? What do psychologists say on this topic?
The main reasons for female cheating on her husband - are you familiar with them?
Men have a surprisingly simple attitude towards infidelity - “ not caught - did not change ". And talking about cheating on his wife is almost bad manners. Well, if only in an extreme case, when the holes in the family boat cannot be hidden, and there is a desire to annoy the “shameless” friend of life, who is not able to appreciate either the stars or the whole world thrown at her feet.
But what about the weak half of humanity? A rare woman treats adultery "like a man" - that is, as a normal phenomenon and under the motto "a good leftist strengthens the marriage." Usually, women cheat for certain reasons and then have a hard time cheating - with remorse, mental throwing and vows "more - no way!".
Why and in what cases does a wife cheat on her husband?
- The wife is the head of the family
This situation is not at all uncommon in our time. And it is with such a role in the family that a woman's chances of adultery greatly increase. In this case, there is a change in the places of the "terms", and the wife, changing the traditional worldview, decides that the right to the forbidden fruit belongs to her in fact - "I am in charge here, and all disgruntled dependents can go to my mother." - Physical dissatisfaction within your bed
If the sexual relations of the spouses are a “five-minute race” in honor of March 8 (or even more often, but mechanically, for show, under an interesting TV series or football), then the natural development of events is an involuntary search for someone who can drown out this “hunger”. As a rule, relations with this “someone” become one-off (although, sometimes, they develop into a long-running romance), and the family collapses. - Adultery at work
And then there are options. One is insolently pursued by a colleague, shamelessly enveloping her in a train of breathtaking perfume, "accidentally" touching her hand and winking invitingly towards the cafeteria. Sooner or later (if there are prerequisites in the form of problems in the family), the "defense" of a woman falls, and a new client for the anonymous circle "hello, my name is Alla, I cheated on my husband" is ready. Another option is corporate parties. Under the influence of alcohol and eager emotions, women do a lot of stupid things. - Vacation - to walk, so to walk!
In some families, oddly enough, it is customary to rest separately. Perhaps to take a break from each other and have time to miss your half. And sometimes it just doesn't work out to go on vacation together - the work keeps. As a result, the wife goes with her friend and ... The sea, a warm evening, a glass of wine, hot tanned lads from another country - and the program "I'm married!" the head goes into sleep mode. - Extreme
This option can be attributed to dissatisfaction in bed with her husband, but here everything is a little more complicated. Just stability "in bed" is not everything. There are also such ladies who are simply bored without "pepper" and experiments. Extreme, exciting from head to toe, is casual sex, sex with the boss in the office, with a colleague on the desktop, with a friend in the restaurant toilet, etc. Of course, not all options are available at once (this is already a very difficult case), but one of them. And there is usually no remorse with pangs of conscience after such a marathon. If the spouse is able to satisfy all the extreme desires of his half, then the need for treason for her simply disappears. - "Heredity"
There are many exceptions to this rule. But nevertheless, it is a proven fact that the girl, in whose eyes her mother regularly changed fans, begins to believe that such behavior is the norm. And to go on a spree from her husband (if you really wanted to, the cards lay down and the night is so wonderful) - it's not scary. He won't know anything anyway. - Age
Again, the rule with the exception (one size fits all revenge is impossible). But young wives are still too unstable in what they generally want from life. And divorce in the case of a small affair usually does not scare them - "Well, okay, there is a line behind me like you." Adult women are more stable in relationships. They already know that one of the whales that a family rests on is trust. And the percentage of cheating among adult women is extremely low. Moreover, the “line of fans” is getting shorter and shorter every year. - Long separation
A spouse is in the army, on a business trip, a spouse is a sailor or a truck driver, etc. Tired of loneliness (but, of course, faithful) woman suddenly meets a man who "understands" her and is ready to lend his strong "friendly" shoulder. A strong shoulder quickly transforms into a hot embrace, into which the woman falls without even thinking. Because I have already forgotten how it feels. Of course, in the morning it will be ashamed. And before the arrival of the spouse, the woman will have time to exhaust herself with remorse so much that either she immediately admits, or by that time she will understand that there is, in principle, nothing to say. Because "anyway, the husband is the best." - Bad example
Some women get together to cross stitch. Others - to discuss global problems and "how to get a child to do homework." The third of the meetings arrange a competition - who has a "brand" handbag, more expensive boots, darker tan and more lovers. There are others, of course, but the third option is the most "senseless and merciless." “Having a lover” for some girls is almost a matter of prestige. Like a nice car or a $ 2,000 dog. And young girls who have fallen under the influence of such ladies also begin to think that it is normal to go on a spree from a foolish husband (her "wallet on legs"). - Revenge and resentment
A powerful factor. This is the most common reason for cheating. "An eye for an eye", treason for treason. Naturally, there is no need to talk about preserving the family in such a situation. Although it happens that such a mutual shake-up becomes the beginning of a new stable life for both spouses. - Husband's carelessness
Every family has a moment of fatigue from each other or a "moment of crisis". And it depends on both - whether they will survive this period without shocks or disperse, tired of throwing firewood into the family hearth. As a rule, the scenario is the same: the husband no longer speaks affectionate words, does not make surprises, does not kiss when leaving at work, in bed he has to be taken by storm, etc. Tired of vain attempts to change the situation, the woman begins to look around. Read also:
Instructions for an unfaithful wife - what to do after cheating on her husband?
For most women own betrayal is a serious test , to get out of which, without losing the "face", is quite difficult.
What if the "terrible" did happen - what do the experts advise?
- To confess or not to confess? Before making a choice, ask yourself: Do you love your husband? Do you want to continue sailing with him in the same family boat to a happy old age? What is the reason for treason? Will you be able to live as before, taking into account the fact of betrayal? And how can the situation develop after your confession?
- If you love your husband, if everything in him suits you, and cheating is a random episode (under the influence of alcohol, emotions, resentment, etc.), which you do not intend to repeat and which no one will ever know about (this is the main thing), then her husband shouldn't admit it... Because confession is usually followed by divorce. The awareness of your guilt, of course, will haunt and torment you, but you have the opportunity to atone for your guilt with an all-consuming love for your spouse and save your family.
- If there is even 0.001% that the truth will come upif you are almost caught red-handed, even if the psychologist did not help you get rid of remorse, and the confession breaks out of you, as soon as you look into the eyes of your husband - confess. It is possible that your husband will understand and forgive you. Sometimes betrayal even becomes an excellent reason - to finally discuss the problems that have accumulated in the family and eliminate all misunderstandings between the spouses. Just do not tell your husband all the intimate details. And convince him that everything happened due to circumstances that did not depend on you (alcohol, eclipse, revenge for that blonde, etc.). And do not forget to add that you understand your stupidity, do not want a divorce, and in general "there is no one better than you."
- Understand the reasons that prompted you to cheat... Maybe it's time to change something in family life? Or the moment of serious conversation with your husband has come? Or do you yourself demand more from your spouse than he can give you? Or maybe love just no longer lives in your house? Your decision to be or not to be depends on the clarity of understanding the reason. That is, is it worth forgetting about adultery and returning to her husband's native hands, or is it time to tell him the truth and start a new life without him?
What if your conscience deprives you of sleep, and you feel that if you do not throw this stone from your soul, it will be easier to drown yourself with it? How to calm your conscience and erase adultery from memory , if you sorely do not want to confess to your husband in treason and are afraid of losing him?
- Work on bugs
Take a break from self-eating and reflect on your life. If in good company under a glass or two you start dancing on the table, and you are drawn to exploits, then categorically avoid such companies and alcohol in general. If you lack variety in bed, tell your husband "all the secrets of pleasure after 10 years of marriage." It is unlikely that he will be against it. If you have gorgeous guys at work, and everyone's eyes are drowned by age-old ice, then it's time to look for another job. Etc. - Remember: time heals
Of course, the sediment will remain, but there is no “delete” button in our memory, so relax, stop sprinkling ashes on your head, accept the betrayal as a fait accompli and move on. All the same, nothing can be changed. If it is really bad, go to confession to the priest and do everything so that in the future you do not even have a desire to change. - Engage Your Head with More Helpful Thoughts
Find a hobby that helps you disengage from this "shameful moment." - Try to ignore anything that might remind you of cheating.
Do not go to the cafe in which you sat with the "adultery", do not walk those streets and delete all data about him from your phone, notebook and computer. - Dedicate yourself to your husband and family
Return more often to the time when you first met your spouse (especially return to him when thoughts of that random man come). Cherish feelings of love for your husband. - If you feel that you are simply torn with guilt, do not dump the truth on your husband.
Take it to someone who will listen to you, understand and bury your secret in a cup of coffee (friend, girlfriend, parents - close person). Relief is definitely guaranteed to you.
Well, a little about "prevention". As soon as you get on the "slippery slope" of the cheater, as soon as sparks of the future fire of random passion flare up inside you - immediately think about whether you are ready to sacrifice family happiness, the psyche of children and the trust of your husband for the hour (night) of pleasure.
