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It so happened that it is women today are increasingly the main breadwinners in the family. This trend is observed mainly in large cities, which is understandable: in the megalopolis for a beautiful half today a lot of opportunities. Take - I do not want! Well, with men, you know, in general, things are not very - the deficit of good. Therefore, the ladies are increasingly preferred to count only on themselves.
The fact is that the form family relationshipsWhen the wife earns more husband, does not have historic roots. This is a completely new trend. Therefore, men are psychologically difficult to adapt to new realities of life. Since the owner in the house has always been the one who feeds the family. Logic is clear: if you do not feed the family, then which one of you is the owner? But if not the owner, then who? And here psychologists warn that, as a rule, in families where women earn significantly more, men take on the role of a son. Judge yourself if the wife feeds, what does she differ from the mother? Psychologically, a man begins to perceive his spouse as a mother. And with my mother, can there be sexual relationships?
Therefore, in families where a woman earns more, often comes sex. A man is sexy to go to a woman, and a woman, on the contrary, as never needs love, support and affection. Hence quarrel, resentment, misunderstanding. It is not so easy to solve such a task.
Psychologists assure that, according to statistics, the husbands of successful wives do not seek to high earnings. And after 35 years old and give hands at all. It is interesting that, despite the fact that the woman takes on the role of the breadwinner, households remain on it. Not all men can accept the fact that the spouse is more successful, many representatives of strong sex on this basis are developing complexes, reproaches and knockers fly to the spouses. What to do?
- Never focus on what you earn more!
- Open the total account where you will fold your money, without understanding who and how much made this month. This is a common money!
- Large shopping Plan together! Well, that the new refrigerator or the car does not become a surprise for him.
- Quickly praise the spouse. Do not develop its complexes!
- Some psychologists and advise women at all do not disclose the full amount of their income before the spouse. But, you see, buying a designer bag from crocodile skin is not so easy to hide. It happens that a man can not come to terms with his inconsistency, it begins to assert themselves through the humiliation of his wife and hikes to the left. In the first case, if you wish, you can turn to a psychologist, in the second - the psychologist will need you.
Well, now your questions:
Olga, 29 years old, St. Petersburg
It so happened that after my husband and I took a loan to the apartment, and he and I lost work. We worked in the same company. Finding something with the same salary does not work. In general, our monthly earnings enough only to make a loan payment. It does not even remain on the products. We live in debt. And this debt is growing. I'm on a constant nerve. I began to sit the hair. Relationships with her husband spoiled. I do not know how to be. I did not think that I would hardly experience financial difficulties. I literally shakes. I got used to a certain level of life, and then I can't even allow myself to go to the manicure. In general, I can not afford anything. Help the advice. How to survive?
- Olga, your condition is understandable. As a rule, in a situation of financial difficulties it is difficult to look at the state of affairs from different sides. Therefore, I propose to go beyond the usual look at the situation and reflecting how else you can act in these circumstances, in addition to the usual loan payment. To do this, you can use this method: Take a large sheet of paper, such as Watman, in the center Draw or write the problem - the payment of the loan in the apartment, from the center, lead the shooters and write a wide variety of solutions. Fantasize, write as the most simple optionsUnder the most bold assumptions, for example: to sell an apartment by 20% more than a market value, find a highly paid job in another city, for example in Moscow with housing, delay the payment of a loan for three years and so on. The task is to find as many ways to exit the situation as possible. You can go on and from the options received again draw the arrows to the methods of implementing the intended.
Ask a husband to do the same, then compare and see what happened, arrange an additional joint brainstorming. Such a method will allow expanding the framework of thinking, to understand what opportunities are most optimal for you, and start moving towards your question.
Masha, 27 years old, Ekaterinburg
Hello! IN this moment I'm on maternity leave. The family fully provides a husband. But I constantly have to ask him money. On food, communal, the needs of children and so on. He can't just transfer me a certain amount on the card. For him, this is a problem. And he will not leave any ruble until I tell him about it. Honestly, for me it is humiliating. I cried, and tried to talk to him calmly. How about the wall peas! Honestly. I think about divorce. No more strength to fight such greed. How to be?
- Hello Olga! Thank you for sharing your situation. If I understand correctly, you feel great offense, the pain is up to thoughts about the divorce due to the fact that the spouse does not give you money without your preliminary request, but he, from your words, still fully ensures your life and family needs. That is, the problem is, in fact, is only that you need to ask about the transfer of money, in the money they themselves does not refuse you, you do not have a shortage of them, right? At the same time, the restriction in access to money you are regarded as an insult, it seems to you that you do not understand, and this leads you to despair. Think whether I designated the logical chain of your thoughts and feelings.
I can imagine what now you see in divorce the way out of the current situation. Yes, he can solve the problem designated by us: you do not have to ask. But think about the following questions, try to respond to them as rationally as possible, abstractly from emotions. How traumatic may be divorce for you, your children is now? Will the opportunity to provide you with a family at the same level as your spouse? What is more important for you: a complete, secured family or the preservation of self-esteem, which, from your words, is infringed with requests. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, there are only your thoughts on this.
And of course, I want to add that often questions of the family budget distribution are negotiated by partners before the wedding or on initial stages life together. And completely normal, that sometimes you have to be transferred in connection with the changed situation, for example, the birth of a child. Do not be afraid to say a spouse about your concerns, inconvenience, offer your solution to the problem, sign in to the dialogue, bilateral discussion. Of course, adults can take the point of view of another person and together come up with a mutually beneficial, interconnecting solution. Good luck to you!
- Select some amount from your salary for your expenses, according to which you do not report anyone, and make such purchases from it. However, if everything is in order in relations, the man calmly reacts to any female whim. Therefore, it is honest to answer a number of questions. Think about what is behind the concern of her husband? How does it perceive your income: how is your own or as a family income? If this is a total money, then what contribution it contributes to your family life (For example, the wife earns, and her husband monitors the life and raising of children). How would he like you to spend them? Who makes decisions on the distribution of money and spending in your family? What hurts him: the very fact of purchase; spending a large amount; that you yourself make a decision; The fact that it is not he pleases you with new clothes; What is your earnings less than yours?
Or maybe you are secretly proud of what success have reached, and internally put yourself above the husband? Then his anger causes at all the next bag ... it seems to me optimal decision Highlight "pocket money" and spend them at their discretion, but also to understand the relationship with her husband and money will be odd.
The Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Director of the Moscow Center for Psychotherapy and Consulting at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, is telling how to avoid family conflicts associated with money.
It's not about the money
Marriages in which a woman earns more husband, usually disintegrate not because of money. Therefore, in this case some stereotypes break down both in men and women. The man very painfully reacts to a similar situation due to the peculiarities of the male psychology and traditions of our culture. And the woman is difficult to resist the temptation to emphasize their consistency. High earnings often become a way of compensation for the years of unsettled life, a symbol of independence. And this transformation is definitely leads to very serious conflicts, up to the collapse of the family. Such a marriage is doomed to fail, when the true values \u200b\u200bof the material equivalent and a woman tries to take the dominant position in the family.
It is difficult to resist the temptation to emphasize your viability.
How to behave if you earn more husband
- First, you should not exaggerate the importance of your role "main miner". Such pathos in such a situation is inappropriate and insulting for a man. On the contrary, try to emphasize from time to time that such an alignment of forces is random and time.
- Secondly, never make categorical statements like: "I decided so, and your opinion does not concern me, I have nothing to do with anyone." It is incorrect because you are required to reckon with the interests of all family members. In conflict situations, it is better to turn to a psychologist.
- Thirdly, even during the quarrels, in no case should the weaknesses regarding the personality of her husband, its physical, psychological and social characteristics, appearance and social status. Even if you are too annoyed by his slowness, quick-tempered, untidiness or relationships with colleagues, friends and relatives - try to refrain from criticism. Especially in those conversations that are associated with a completely different topic - with your income and the establishment of new rules in the family life. Any criticism at the personal level unequivocally leads to blocking in a man every ability to dialogue. He becomes unable to soberly comprehend the situation.
How to share money
The separation of monetary accounts and funds adopted in most Western families is hardly suitable for our mentality. The general budget is good, it is part of our culture, and attempts to adopt someone else's experience are usually doomed to failure. We have a division of the budget - this is the division of the family.
Another thing is that it is possible to determine a certain percentage of the total amount of income equal to both spouses, which they can spend at their discretion. It is the percentage, not a specific amount. Then, in case of changes in the family's income, personal "pocket" means of each of the spouses will increase or decrease proportionally.
Such a percentage should be determined even if the miner in the family is only a husband. Women's home work is her contribution to the family. And it is equivalent to the money that makes a man. Disabled family member - no matter, a woman is either a man - also has the right to participate in decision-making on spending.
In any case, it is better not to drive the conflicts inside, and any way to resolve them. After all, women's health is too fragile in order to carry the goods of psychological problems.
Prepared based on magazine
Start with a critical assessment of the situation - the main thing is to understand whether you have a healthy relationship in your family.
If a woman earns more partner, in our reality it always causes a voltage of varying severity. Why does it happen and is it necessary to do something about it?
At first glance, everything can be good and cloudless. A pair has love, mutual understanding. As for the finance, it is not known how the circumstances are: in some cases, it is better to be a breadthrough with a woman. But sooner or later, with the filing of others or because of the changed circumstances, the situation begins to bring to the meditation. And it turns out that every happy family is unhappy in their own way.
Obvious reasons for explicit or underdiving discontent two.
- Biological. For a long time, nature was predetermined that the men's individual runs and hunting, and the female - shelters children. To do this in the device different systems The organism, including in the brain of individuals, laid special biological mechanisms, providing different types of endurance, exposure to different stressogen, and most importantly, responsibility for the continuation of the kind and provision of its survival. Therefore, the skew is alarming at the biology level: "What will happen if I get pregnant (it becomes pregnant)? - Everything will die."
- Social. We were so raised. An ideal family for our parents is a patriarch. A man is a minider, a woman stores the hearth. And if they change roles - a man automatically goes into a discharge of a rainbar who asks for money from his wife, performs her teams and orders, therefore "non-man".
Over time, with the worst development of events, the financial Mesallians leads to the fact that the man loses self-esteem, the relationship is in a pair, along the track, swept autumn leaves, leaves sex ...
Is it possible to resist biological fears and social stereotypes? It is difficult, but if there are good internal causes and reasonable arguments, it is possible.
Remember that the distribution of family roles and responsibility is your life project, and not tribute to tradition.
If you intuitively feel that in your pair, everything suits you if the alarming thoughts and doubts appear only after someone's recruiting questions or crushes, ignore the opinions of neighbors and Bekground of parental families. Listen to your feelings and important arguments for you. Calm down, check together, whether everything works in a family project as you want both, and just in case, read on.
Indeed, it happens that the financial helplessness of her husband signals that in relations is not all ok. And this is a completely different story requiring a more careful relationship.
Event development scenarios can be different.
1. "Mommy"
Obviously, you met examples when a woman becomes not just a real head of the family, but a person who lies with absolutely for everything. She is responsible for fateful and everyday decisions, for household problems and complete financial support of themselves, children and husband. She worries hard so that everyone was good, and at the same time pulls all the other areas of family life. In this system, the husband plays the role of a carefree child with a minimum of pleasant duties for him, cute hobbies and the fulfillment of "marital debt."
If you are in a similar situation - alas, most likely, it's forever. It is convenient for her husband, and he hardly wants to change something. The habit of comfort, increasing irresponsibility leads to degradation, loss of professional skills and qualifications, and in the final, our hero at best finishes chronic lying on the sofa, in the worst - quiet boots with an inecilatory sense of dissatisfaction and unrealizations. Not only is that "mommy" provides her faithful financially, she still serves as a vest for complaints, comforter and an emotional donor.
Unfortunately, in our reality, a similar scenario is not uncommon. The reasons for the set, starting with the transmitted from the generation to the generation of fear "remain without a man", the intolerance to the loneliness, female uncertainty, educated disrespect for himself and ending with the lack of positive family scenario and an imitation example.
Of course, in each individual situation of this kind, many nuances and important details, but if you give general Recommendation - It is worth looking at your desireless everything. Do everyone need your control and participation in all events? Does your husband really have an absolutely helpless and stupid creature that can not stand without you and step? What happens if you give him and other family members part of responsibility? Why are you so afraid of this?
Honest answers to these questions can help you at least start changing.
And remember that in this case you can just start, because your husband is used to everything and always obey you.
2. "Sacrification of Geniya"
In this family, the husband is engaged in work, which in the future will pay (or not) humanity, but will definitely never give money and the well-being of the family. The story knows a lot of examples when the personal happiness of the woman was brought into a noble sacrifice of man's genius and the future of humanity. At the same time, the statistics of an inexhaustible: geniuses - units on many millions, and lazy husbands running to work from responsibility or uncomfortable relations in the family - thousands.
A trap of such a relationship is that the forever "busy" husband over time is self-confined from all duties, making decisions, conversations, problems with children and relatives and disappears as support. At the same time, the genius can periodically download law or manifest itself as a father in the most inappropriate and strange way, rather harm than helping.
Of course, this is aware (although more often unconscious) the choice of the woman itself is to sacrifice its comfort and normal life for the sake of whims of her husband. And, of course, life next to a narcissistic charisma or intellectual exteroid is filled with emotions of an extremely wide spectrum. But, as a rule, they all fall under the description of neurotic affection, but with time and chronic fatigue.
If you are tired of feeling a pale shadow, an actor of a second plan, a drunk horse that does not receive any attention, no money, no respect, ask yourself a question: "Why do you need it?" What do you get from such a position of things? Look back into the past, on your relationship with your father, - nothing reminds? And start, finally, appreciate itself, respect, change the rules of the game and the boundaries permitted. You can even write a list of 100 points called "What am I worthy of?" (Tip: attention, respect, time, journey to the sea, hiking to the masseuse, romantic dinners, etc. etc.) Re-read the list, arguing In his justice. And do not wait for mercies from the husband - the list must be performed regardless of someone's moods. And there, you see, and the whole system of relationships will change.
3. "Non-day Star"
I had a client - a very secured lady, the owner of several businesses. She got married several times, and the situation was repeated: successful " interesting person"With whom she tied life, after some time lost his job / business and began to live at her. When this happened to the third husband, once a prosperous and promising businessman, the lady after a long sobbing said:" Maybe I need toSo that a man next to me is weaker than me? If he is strong, successful, it will be attractive for young and beautiful and ... can throw me. And so he does not need anyone - only me. "
This is not the only case in my practice when the deepest complex of inferiority pushed a woman, first, to prove his career's consistency, secondly, compensated for the failure of her husband.
Think about if there is a "loser", against the background of which you, under any circumstances, the Angel, Star, Queen and Primadonna, "Poos and Nishchebrhod", which you are "Excellen in everything". Perhaps this situation can tell you about your hidden complexes, constant competition in the family of your parents and fear to be close to the full, bright, wealthy and attractive partner?
Definitely, all three family unhealthy systems.
First The step towards solving the problem is to understand that the financial blockage in this case is only the top of the iceberg. It is powered by defects in the relationship, and their - complexes and fears.
Second - Do not tolerate discomfort; talk to a partner about what I don't like; Offer output options.
The third - Critical to evaluate the situation and your own contribution to it. You can not change another person - demand and wait for this at least, unwise. But you can change what you give. Sometimes this is enough to change and what you get.
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Now there are more and more families, where the wife is the main minider. It seems both work, but the wife earns a lot more husband. And this situation may arrange both sides. The wife in the face of the husband has a house assistant, an educator for children, an excellent lover. Here the main thing is not to undermine his self-esteem by statements of the type: "I'm here alone, and you do nothing."
Some men are even happy to have a spouse that earns more. They don't want to change anything, everyone suits them. If only they did not touch and did not demand the exploits from them. If the wife takes such a position of her husband, then the family can be quite harmonious, and nothing threatens with family happiness.
In general, if a woman lives with her husband, which is lower by her status, less earns and so on, she needs to take it as a given. It is necessary to find pluses in this and live calmly. Bake a husband, saw it meaningless. Such measures of impact will not lead to anything, they are even dangerous: for the sake of self-assertion, the husband can start to go to the left ...
Reviews experienced. FROM THE INTERNET
(All realities allowing the characters, completely changed)
Sometimes over the years, the woman accumulates bitterness due to the fact that all the material responsibility for the family lies on her shoulders. She becomes hard one to carry this cargo. We will listen to what women themselves say about it:
"My husband is not working for more than a year, and moreover, the work is not particularly looking for. Because of this, I have a feeling of unprotected. I'm afraid to get pregnant - if I leave on the decret, the money will earn no one.
It seems to me that masculinity is including concern, support, protection. And in my family - I myself and care, and support, and protection (financial). The point is not even that I would like to contain me. This is also nothing good - to be quite dependent, ask every penny. Ideally, this is when spouses earn approximately equally. And now I do not know what to do ... "
"I earn 2.5 times more husband. He works as a janitor, and does not want anything better. And it's not even that he has no higher education and experience. He is just a lazy, and everything suits him. He does not harm that his wife earns him more and pulls him on himself. I found it good workwhere he will get along with me. But there should be plowing from morning to evening, and he is too lazy. But he is a cool lover, helps around the house, a wonderful father. And I love him...
One problem: I want to be weak so that my husband told me: "Dear, I don't worry about anything, I will do everything myself. And if you really want to work, leave your salary on lipstick, perfume. " Dreams Dreams...".
"I am at work by middle agency, and married a person who was originally lower than the status and had much more modest material opportunities. And now I do not know what to do. It good man, and, besides its work, bringing a penny, took over the duties of the house. But I sometimes attend a sense of insecurity. Especially if you plan a child. After all, then I will have some time to sit at home, devote yourself to the baby. And my husband, I am afraid, is simply not able to perform highly paid job ... ".
"I earn more husband. And not because we are missing money, but because I am a workaholic. When on the work of the reel, I sleep for three hours a day - but I like it. Even when I was sitting on maternity leave, I still worked.
I consider my husband with money with money. When we met, he worked in the police for a penny, the days disappeared at work. So I knew what was going on.
Although sometimes I still can not be silent, I say everything that boiled. Recently, a uncle-builder came to us, calculated the estimate for repairs. The decent amount was released, it means that you need to take a loan. The husband began to protest - we just took a new car on credit. I answered him quite sharply: I will pay, it means that I decide. Offended. And with us from the ceiling already plaster lifts. But I will not apologize anyway. I know - for a strong character, he loves me ... "
"Sometimes it annoys me that the husband is unable to pamper me, make the appropriate gift. Budget Mimosa will not please me ... I am sad, because I do not feel materially protected and you have to count on my strength. But the husband assumed the main burden on the house. On the other hand, this is such a buzz - in no one to report for the money spent, dispose of its own means at its discretion. Since childhood, I was so raised that I should be independent and count only on myself. Therefore, it is easier for me to transfer the idea that someone earns more in the family, and someone takes on household worries. Who - what! ".
And how do you feel about this?
More recently, we have witnessed women's discrimination in the field of work and business. Fortunately, all this remained in the past, and now almost a third of working women receive the same or higher salary than men. In fact, it is not surprising. We get the same education as men, we work at work to achieve recognition and career growth. So why should our salary be lower? But since there was not much time from the moment of discrimination, some rooted concepts will not disappear from the beliefs of most people. For example, many believe that despite the 12-hour working day, a woman is obliged to come home to do all homework (cooking, cleaning, etc.). "In a good way," you will say, "since the husband and wife work, the duties of the house should be distributed between them." In fact, the redistribution of roles in the family is not so simple. Agree that one throws garbage, and the other washes the floor - obviously not enough. As for the opinion of psychologists on this issue, it is: Despite the fact that when working in his wife, a man, indeed, takes part of home duties, their quantity is too small compared to women's work. So, the woman works at home for 5 hours a week longer than a man. And if there are children in the family, then this difference is about 17 hours a week! Agree, somehow unfair? Curious, but psychologists noticed that the closer the income of his wife approaches her husband's income, the less time he spends on the aid of the housework. So, if your family has developed such a situation that the wife earns more husband, then to preserve relationships, you should look at the following advice of psychologists. Then the men were proud of their position, they considered themselves the breadcrumbs and therefore had the right to be the head of the family. Nowadays, the situation with making money has changed a lot, but even if the wife earns more husband, it is unlikely that at least one man will be able to admit that she is the head of the family. Most likely, the awareness of this fact will require not yet one change of generations. 2. Do not talk about the level of wages. If each family member is in its place, and he likes what he is doing, what's the difference, he earns 50 or 200 thousand rubles per month. 3. Discuss unpleasant moments. Do not think that the issues with the management of the household will be solved by themselves. If you have any suggestions for child care or distribution of work on the house, rather start discussing them. It is unlikely that a little earning husband will show the initiative and decides to take all the homemade troubles. But if you raise this topic and give your arguments, perhaps the situation will move from the dead point. 4. Do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist. It is very sad when the ten-year relationship between spouses suddenly suffer collapse only because the wife began to earn more husband. Good relationships are not easy. Also, how to cope with established stereotypes from the past. If your family has gained quarrels associated with money, shopping, homework, do not think that the problem is in the husband. The problem lies in the perception of the situation as such. Go to the psychologist, and it will help you to send the situation in the right direction.
