Men freedom-loving creatures of this world. How to find a face in his freedom? This is a very careful moment in relationships. It's like food, take a bad thing, do not overheat too badly, you need to find the very measure where everything will be fine. But how to do that?
If your husband is constantly running to friends, and you do not have enough time to do what to do? There are several psychological tricks that women need to know. The first of them is to try something to interest the husband, so that he would not want to go to friends. So maybe, for example, a festive atmosphere of the house. Or a romantic evening. For example, a husband came from work, tired, with the thought that he now will take and run to friends to drink beer or playing cards, in one word to engage in "necessary", "increasing intelligence" by business. And you wait for it, so all beautiful, wine and candles on the table, and even in sexy peignoire - after all, you know what charming female shirts are! Intriguing? Hardly he wants to leave you to your beloved friends. There are many such tricks, only they need to find and use in their favor.
There is another option. It seems that everything is fine, the husband is at home, but with her husband at home and all his friends. Cleaning, cooking on you. You are tired. What to do if, when talking about this topic, he says that he can't expel them that his friends is the main thing? This a little complicates the situation, but you can try to find out of it. With another such golyanka, try to take his friends. For example, "Vitya, while my husband does sandwiches, please take garbage. And you, Kolya feed the potatoes from the balcony, we make it clean it. " If such your actions will often be repeated, then friends will begin to go less often, since these home affairs are both at home.
And it is better to invite your husband's friends with my wives, as women feel better than men, then by the hour of ten, eleven they themselves will call them home. But there are moments when it does not turn out so. You can try another option. Start slightly doing business. For example, wipe the dust on the windows. Ask a husband to endure trash. Start cleaning something from the table. There may be an unequivocal reaction to cleaning from the table, but you can say that it's too late and I thought that you will soon disperse, and since I don't want to clean it at night, I do it now. It seems you will not drive anyone, but the hint is understandable.
There is another moment, a lot of important, this is a contract. Head to negotiate. Highlight a certain day with her husband when he goes to beer with friends. Be sure to speak your holiday day. And highlight the day when you spend time together, but not for affairs, but for a joint holiday.
And best of all rest together with my husband. Make friends with his friends. Threate it with your friends. Ride together on fishing, play sports and household together. Find common interests. And then there will be much better to you and your husband.
Question psychologists
Hello, my name is Ksenia. I am 21 years old. My boyfriend 20. I myself do not understand the current situation, I ask you help please advice. We meet with a young man of a year and a half, he began to care for me and the first month somehow tried to interest, we went walked and rested together. But over time they stopped out somewhere, he does not want, I hinted, I asked, invited, but no. Now the situation is as follows: we live in 15 minutes away from each other, they remained that I have it, but he now persistently asks to come to him, he works a lot, but wishes me to go to him every evening. Lives with mom, my mother is bored, you need to dilute her loneliness ... I love him. These are my first serious relationships. For the sake of him ready on a lot. I come. Everything that is asking for. But here for 4 months he spends the nights (since the days works) in the garage with friends. There is no limit. I come as he wants to go home to him, and he spends almost every night after work in the garage and comes in the morning. I understand, he likes to dig in the cars, collect, disassemble them and I am not against this hobby, if only it was not to the detriment of our relations. If we have planned to sit together for the evening, watch a movie, but here it called his friend and said that in the garage digging, my boyfriend
Throws everything goes there, forgetting me. We have already met, we do not go absolutely nowhere, we were once in the movies and once in the campaign. Everything. It's a shame that he cannot find time on me, and for friends it always has it. And it's a shame that nights. Well, I would have done my own machine, but it repairs the cars to friends for just so, trouble-free and at any time. Soothes what he tells me that he loves, I believe in it. But how to behave I don't know, I want me to be no less important for him than friends, I want attention to and at least any movement, a collaborative rest ... Thanks in advance for the answer. Sincerely, Ksenia.
Hello, Ksenia!
We are treated as we allow us to treat yourself as we treat themselves. Think about, Ksenia, how interesting are you? Do you put your interests in the first place? Do you appreciate yourself? Respect yourself and your time? Do you listen to your desires, do they fulfill them?
Your guy is very convenient such a break of things, but is it convenient for you? If not - begin to engage in all the above items, the fact that you are interested, and not convenient to your guy. Awaken in your young man "Hunter's instinct", become a blue bird for him, followed by hundreds of men, and not a homely zoom. Now a lot of information on the development of love for yourself, perhaps this will help you make the first steps towards yourself.
Good luck to you!
Filfilian Inna Yurevna, psychologist in Rostov on Don
Good answer2 Bad answer2Hello, Ksenia!
From your letter, the impression was the impression that all your life consists only of meetings with a young man, and all your positive emotions you want to be seized from it, but it is too large emotional load. Therefore, it is distancing. Turn to your life, look for other sources of joy that are not related to relationships. Then you will be interesting and yourself and him. You do not have to ask, he himself wants to spend more time with you.
In addition, you often put his feelings above your own and chase your needs. And he also applies to you, like you to yourself. You are not in the first place, and he has too. You need to learn to be the main one. Then you will hear your true feelings and desires and follow them. And this will give you the opportunity to be truly happy.
If you need help, come to individual advice.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, psychologist-consultant, St. Petersburg
Good answer4 Bad answer0Ksenia, alas, you have no family yet, and moreover, your young man did not give you to understand what is ready for the family at all. It is neither good or bad, in 20 years few people are ready for this, and demand this at least unwise. The question is who you you?
Why do you meet, think? Walking to him somewhere uninteresting.
If we planned to sit together for the evening, watch a film, but then his friend called and said that there was a digger in the garage, my boyfriend throws everything and rides there, forgetting me.
It turns out, and at home this is how time is not very interesting. Then you have a common? Sex?
I come. Everything that is asking for.
It is very convenient for him. He has help in everyday life, sex, minimal care and guy's position, "Who has a girl", i.e. Status that at such age can be important.
What do you have?
Soothes what he tells me that he loves, I believe in it.
Does it calm this? With what? Love is things, first of all. Love is the real acts aimed at concern about another person, to respect for his feelings, not only their satisfaction, but also the needs of a loved one. And you tell all the letter about the fact that no desires are especially taken into account. And where is the Love then? In words?
Yes, this is a convenient position - to calm down words, you will believe, and you can still live quietly as he likes, continuing to use your devotion.
And it is impossible to condemn it for this, because you yourself allowed the whole situation to be like that. You do not ask anything, do not insist on your own interests, concentrated only on it, and probably afraid of losing. And he?
If you have no one in life, except for him and nothing more than you are very interested, there is a risk that you will become even less interesting. Perhaps you should think about your life first of all, about your desires? Otherwise, all this will turn into a love dependence. And it is better to try to deal with yourself from this position: http://psyhelp24.org/lyubovnaya-zavisimost/
Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., consulting in Skype
Good answer1 Bad answer2How to explain to your husband that the family is more important than friends.
Strong male friendship, tested by time, of course, necessary - but when the company of friends liaspers you to the background, you will unwittingly think about it. Without panic - and with this invasion of barbarians in your family nest you can cope. We will tell, like.
Football with friends, help with the machine, meeting "on business" or at all sudden gatherings at your home, although you actually gathered in the movies - Men's friends once again remind you of your beloved that besides the family, there are much more relaxed and fascinating life, Without having already managed to bother "obligations." Add to this small household discontent, which one way or another accumulate with a joint stay, your eyebrows "house" and family reminders, and all - soon so valuable evenings will lose all charm for him. Of course, the first reaction in such a situation is to roll a good scandal: "That he allows himself to himself! I'm sake of it ... " Crying and praise you, of course, you can - but only with you, kokyu pear in the gym or pouring the soul of a friend. And with his man and his friends, it is necessary to behave differently.
What to do: communication strategies
What to do: communication strategies
Take and love
If you are dear to your man, then there is no other way: his friends, especially if they are familiar with kindergartenwhere together sitting on the pots, you will have to love. At a minimum, to accept the fact that they will remain in his life and "suddenly" will not disappear. So, options to "harm", "configure against", "show deficiencies", "press on family debt" do not affect. Forget about forbids - it will only strengthen the freedom-loving gusts of your man and can lead to a serious conflict. Frankly, after all, communication with your friends hardly causes a mad delight of his beloved. So let the right to personal space and him, and yourself.
Become your company
Become your company
Are you tired of endless galads of her husband with his friends? Purchase into a party, become my own among these "chunks", the evening in the company of which is interesting to your beloved much more than a trip to your mom or a joint exit. Try to understand my husband's friends: invite them to your home, arrange a joint dinner, a picnic on the weekend or come up with entertainment, interesting for the entire company. Your task is to conquer their trust, turning from boring and dissatisfied matron in a pleasant and interesting interlocutor. Only for the time of "gatherings" do not forget to turn off the function of mommy: you should not undergo a husband, give him instructions, let go of stinging comments and create uncomfortable moments. And yet, the flirt with his buddies is also banned. We are sure you yourself remember it yourself, so it is so, by the way.
Talk
Talk
If all the peace-loving options do not work, and any mention of his husband's friends causes you a small shiver, then a frank conversation with your beloved cannot be avoided. It is conversations, and not a quarrel with the screams "how you all got everything" - including your beloved. If it hurts you, it's unpleasant and hard every time that a loved one makes a choice in favor of buddies, not your family - not need to be silent. To quietly discuss the situation. Just prepare for the conversation in advance: before this, it is clear for yourself to decide what exactly you are not satisfied with the behavior of the husband. He pays little attention to you, not engaged in children, does not help at home - your conversation should be extremely subject, it is desirable and with solutions for each of the nominated items.
Mild attack
Mild attack
It is not necessary to openly get up in a pose and demonstratively to drive out non-touching visitors: which is good, with them your man, acting in the framework of all the same male friendship. Schwit. Create such a situation so that your husband take active participation In domestic affairs. Let it be purely male economic activity - no dishes to wash and cook dinner, but to repair a scripting door, for example, or take products from the supermarket of his mother. And even better - enjoy the repair. This large-scale operation will accurately help. What are the sitting here with friends, when in the apartment smoke rocker. Yes, and building materials from the market are not for you to carry.
Peace treaty
Peace treaty
Offer to distribute time: For example, on Fridays your favorite will meet with friends, thus keeping the traditions of your "male club", and the weekend will completely devote you. Act on the principle of "You - I, I - You." And do not forget to leave the evening for yourself, because you, like a husband, it is extremely important to communicate with your friends. Friends despite family lifeThis is important - and in this matter you understand it so well!
Strong male friendship, tested by time, of course, necessary - but when the company of friends liaspers you to the background, you will unwittingly think about it. Without panic - and with this invasion of barbarians in your family nest you can cope. We will tell, like.
Football with friends, help with the machine, meeting "on business" or at all sudden gatherings at your home, although you actually gathered in the movies - Men's friends once again remind you of your beloved that besides the family, there are much more relaxed and fascinating life, Without having already managed to bother "obligations." Add to this small household discontent, which one way or another accumulate with a joint stay, your eyebrows "house" and family reminders, and all - soon so valuable evenings will lose all charm for him. Of course, the first reaction in such a situation is to roll a good scandal: "That he allows himself to himself! I'm sake of it ... " Crying and praise you, of course, you can - but only with you, kokyu pear in the gym or pouring the soul of a friend. And with his man and his friends, it is necessary to behave differently.
What to do: communication strategies
What to do: communication strategies
Take and love
If your man is our way, then there is no other way: his friends, especially if they are familiar with a kindergarten, where they sat on the pots together, you will have to love. At a minimum, to accept the fact that they will remain in his life and "suddenly" will not disappear. So, options to "harm", "configure against", "show deficiencies", "press on family debt" do not affect. Forget about forbids - it will only strengthen the freedom-loving gusts of your man and can lead to a serious conflict. Frankly, after all, communication with your friends hardly causes a mad delight of his beloved. So let the right to personal space and him, and yourself.
Become your company
Become your company
Are you tired of endless galads of her husband with his friends? Purchase into a party, become my own among these "chunks", the evening in the company of which is interesting to your beloved much more than a trip to your mom or a joint exit. Try to understand my husband's friends: invite them to your home, arrange a joint dinner, a picnic on the weekend or come up with entertainment, interesting for the entire company. Your task is to conquer their trust, turning from boring and dissatisfied matron in a pleasant and interesting interlocutor. Only for the time of "gatherings" do not forget to turn off the function of mommy: you should not undergo a husband, give him instructions, let go of stinging comments and create uncomfortable moments. And yet, the flirt with his buddies is also banned. We are sure you yourself remember it yourself, so it is so, by the way.
Talk
Talk
If all the peace-loving options do not work, and any mention of his husband's friends causes you a small shiver, then a frank conversation with your beloved cannot be avoided. It is conversations, and not a quarrel with the screams "how you all got everything" - including your beloved. If it hurts you, it's unpleasant and hard every time that a loved one makes a choice in favor of buddies, not your family - not need to be silent. To quietly discuss the situation. Just prepare for the conversation in advance: before this, it is clear for yourself to decide what exactly you are not satisfied with the behavior of the husband. He pays little attention to you, not engaged in children, does not help at home - your conversation should be extremely subject, it is desirable and with solutions for each of the nominated items.
Mild attack
Mild attack
It is not necessary to openly get up in a pose and demonstratively to drive out non-touching visitors: which is good, with them your man, acting in the framework of all the same male friendship. Schwit. Create such a situation so that your husband takes an active part in domestic affairs. Let it be purely male economic activity - no dishes to wash and cook dinner, but to repair a scripting door, for example, or take products from the supermarket of his mother. And even better - enjoy the repair. This large-scale operation will accurately help. What are the sitting here with friends, when in the apartment smoke rocker. Yes, and building materials from the market are not for you to carry.
Men's friendship, especially proven over the years, the thing is good and necessary. This is a mutual execution, the ability to speak out, and just relax in the male company, where you love, appreciate and understand.
After work, your man goes to drink a beer with friends or in a hurry to the garage, help them in the disassembly of the car. In the evening he likes to spend in the bath with friends, and the weekend spends on fishing or leaves friends for hunting.
And it seems there is nothing reprehensible in the behavior of such a man. This is his sphere of interest and his way of relaxation. But there is one "but"! Too fascinating with friends with friends, the husband moves the family to the background, and therefore puts friends above his beloved wife and children.
Of course, an adult man with a normal self-esteem, always properly putting priorities in relations. The first in this list will put yourself, then your beloved wife, children, and only then parents and friends. If the system of priorities is broken, with this, too, you need to do something!
Friends as a threat to family relationships
When a beloved husband escapes to friends from day to day, you immediately have suspicions, not to mistress? Surveys start, checking and eventually it turns out that the beloved really spends time in the company of friends. And it seems possible to calm down, but no! Lowings with friends increasingly cause your discontent, because the husband pays too much attention to them, absolutely without helping you at home without playing with children and no other way without caring for the family.
An very disturbing call becomes the moment when the husband goes to friends, knowing that this evening you had certain plans - a shopping trip, a visit to parents, and even a romantic dinner with a pleasant continuation ...
Anyone will not like it when a man puts her lower her friends. "I am everything for him, and he ...!". So I want to roll the scandal!
Do not rush. Such complex questions are not solved by hysteria, but by putting a question with an edge - friends or family, you can dig a situation to the very critical mark. He can choose friends only because he considers himself a free person who is not entitled to limit even a wife in the choice of a way to rest. And here it will be absolutely right. The point is not in his passion about friends, but in the number of time spent with them and moved the family to the background. Therefore, it is categorically to put a question - friends or family, it is impossible!
What can be taken
As a wise woman, you have to convey to your man without screaming and ultimatums, what exactly do you dislike, and offer it acceptable options for resolving the situation.
Imagine in the "enemy camp"
First of all, try closer to get acquainted with my husband's friends. Find out their interests, life priorities, find general topics for conversation with him, in general, become your own company. It is possible that they have wives who are also puzzled by a similar problem. You could meet you, invite your husband's friends along with my wives to your home or to the country, arrange joint picnics in the forest or go to the sea together.
Such a rapprochement with friends of her husband will positively affect your relationship and actually remove the existing problem. From now on, the husband will spend time with your common friends, and you can dilute this company at any time. Moreover, if you wish, you can organize "Meterschiki" with my husband's friends, because it is quite possible they also bored in the absence of loved ones.
By the way, even if someone from her husband's friends do not like you at all, do not rush to declare this spouse. Try to understand what exactly likes in it your husband. In any case, respect his choice and do not criticize.
Establish family traditions
Another option to solve the problem can be the establishment of family traditions. Calmfully talk to your husband, explain that the priority should be given to the family, but I do not need to refuse friends. You can, for example, walk to the garage not every evening, and once a week, and other evenings devote to his wife and children.
By the way, negotiating with your beloved about such a rest rules, you have all the foundations and herself relax in this way for example, agree that 1 day a week you will spend apart: a husband with friends in the garage, and you with girlfriends in a cafe. It will be great if in addition to the tradition of resting apart from each other, you will have a tradition to relax together it can be a family trip to the cottage or catching in the forest, a trip to a movie or a romantic dinner for two.
Talk to my husband frankly
Learn to frank with your loved one and from your collaboration will leave dozens of misunderstandings. Do not blame her husband in the fact that you have all the household and children, and he does not appreciate it. Your favorite works a lot too to provide you and children. Therefore, no insults and accusations!
Frankly tell him about what you also get tired per day, and you would like attention from his part and some kind of help. Ask than he can help you on household and offer your own option. It is quite possible to you lack time on vacation in the evening and the problem would be solved, buy a man dishwasher.
Or maybe you lack romance? Maybe it's not at all in friends, but that because of constant absence Love you stopped feeling welcome? Maybe your intimate life has become fresh and monotonous? Is it time to paint it with new paints? Talk about it with your beloved, the main thing is that the discussion takes place in a calm, friendly tone.
Weather in the house
The house is a place where you can relax and soul and body. And now you think about your husband at home after hard work? Does the atmosphere of the house fit a full-fledged rest? Is it pulling him home? If he increasingly runs away to friends, it means that it is there his beloved rest or he is not very interested to spend time with you.
Think about how you attract it? What are you fond of in his absence? Do you have an interesting life if hobbies? Maybe you "sore" him with their care or limit freedom, and he avoids this oppression?
Try to change the behavior strategy. Give him more freedom, teaching to independence, let it be a real head of the family and takes important decisions. Perhaps it was about that he always and dreamed! Same try, just for the sake of the experiment, live the week for your pleasure, making just what you like. Believe me, after your changes will begin to change the husband.
No dependencies
Separately, let's say about the situation at which the communication of your husband and friends comes down only to the use of beer and other alcoholic beverages. Of these doubtful hobbies, severe addiction is born, which must be struggling. Beer alcoholism is very dangerous, with him, as a rule, begins hard alcohol addiction. Therefore, if your favorite person runs away every evening to friends, skip a molhes-other beer, all possible methods Burn with an emerging addiction and limit communication with friends-drinking companions.
Instead of pre-school
Make a man to refuse friends is impossible. But if you penetrate the interests of your loved one, if you try to hear and understand your husband, and also start changing the most in order to arouse interest and desire to come home, you can solve a delicate choice between family and friends without scandals and ultimatums.
Love to you and mutual understanding!
